Documentarian as Neurotic Sociopath

Nikki can't stop laughing at me. She laughed so hard tonight she almost peed in her pajamas. I'm just glad she has a sense of humor, because others might have more readily wrung my neck.

The people who know me well, and tolerate me anyway, know that I can be a wee bit dramatic. I am given to periodic fits of despair and self-deprecation, during which those around me feel compelled to offer consolation and encouragement, which I vigorously refute in my determination to convince them that things are every bit as awful as I think they are. I can't say I am proud of this little routine; frankly, I think it's acceptable to act that way when you're 13, but ideally you grow out of it. Some of us are late bloomers, I guess.

Anyway, the precipitating event for my crisis today was a phone call I made to Denisa, the director of the school where I'm shooting. I truly dislike making these phone calls, as it is even harder for me to speak and understand Romanian over the phone than it is in person. When Sorinescu was here, I made him do the dirty work, but now I am on my own with the phone. So I called the school, and Denisa came running breathlessly to the phone, and I asked her what was up. She said that none of the kids were back from Easter vacation yet. I asked her if Anton (one of my main film subjects) had stayed in the institution over the break, since he doesn't have a foster family. She said no, that he had gone home over the break for the first time with his biological parents. I said, "No way!" (or some approximation thereof in Romanian) and she said "Yes! It was time to simply insist," and I said, "I can't believe this development happened when I wasn't there!" and she said, "Yes, it's a very big development!" She said that he would be back to the school tomorrow, but he would not be going back to the family again for a while.

I got off the phone, totally flabbergasted. Anton reunited with his biological parents? I had just planned out my shoot for this week, which was to highlight the contrast between Anton's life at the institution and lack of a family with the home life of some of the kids in foster care. Friday is his birthday, and I was going to shoot the monthly party they have at the school for all the kids born that month. Then I was going to follow Anton to the farm where he works on weekends, with a rural family who feed him and let him stay for a few days in exchange for milking the cows and shoveling manure. I was already disappointed that I had missed something important a few weeks ago--when Anton located the biological brother that even the social worker didn't believe existed, and brought him to the school asking if they could let him stay there because the brother is homeless. I began to be angry with myself for not calling Denisa before Easter break; for avoiding that task because it stressed me out. I played out the scene in my mind that I had missed: Anton being told that his biological mother had been located; being taken there by a social worker, meeting her for the first time. In his interviews with me, Anton said that he had never met his mother, and just wanted to know what she looked like. I imagined the other siblings looking curiously at him as he appeared at the house, reaction shots of curious neighbors, the awkward first moments. Having a meal with his real family. I plugged myself and my camera right into this missed fantasy scenario, as though I would've automatically been granted permission to film the whole thing (which actually, I probably would have--since people in Romania are generally pretty camera-friendly.)

Then, lying in despair on my bed, hot tears of frustration welling up as I berated myself for not living in the tiny grim town of Beclean where I could be capturing these moments; for not raising more money to hire a production manager to plan things for me, for not calling before Easter, for not being able to control the universe and script out real people's lives in a way that was convenient for my production schedule, I told Nikki very convincingly just how awful it all was. She listened patiently and compassionately, trying to tell me that I was being too hard on myself, that it was very challenging to be doing this on my own with such a small budget, and that no one had mentioned any possibility of Anton being reunited with his mother. She then realized that she needed to go buy a plane ticket before the agency closed, so she had to leave. When she was gone, there was no one left to convince that things were irreparably, horrendously, terribly awful, so I got up and ate some chocolate. Then I decided that I would call Denisa one more time to see how long Anton would be with his biological family. Maybe I could still get something on tape.

The social worker Emishe answered rather than Denisa, and I told her I was surprised that Anton was in the family. She said yes, he'd be back from Rebrisoara tomorrow. "Rebrisoara?" I said. "Yes, he's at the farm," she said. "I thought he was with his biological family!" I replied. Apparently Denisa was listening in, because just then her voice came on the line too. "Amy? I said Anca went to her biological family for the weekend. Anca Nicoletta." "Not Anton?" I said, relief making me go weak and tingly. Indeed, Denisa had misheard my earlier question, though I can't imagine why she would think I was asking about Anca. I don't even know who Anca Nicoletta is.

So once it had been clearly established that Anton was still legally abandoned, and therefore still conforming to the story structure I had laid out for the film, my anxiety lifted and I began looking forward to the shoot again. Perhaps other documentary filmmakers would read this and understand and not think I am a terrible heartless beast, but other human beings would have to wonder. Of course I hate to see Anton longing for a reunion with his mother while shoveling manure in BFE, and of course I want him to realize his dreams. Only I would prefer that if this happens, I am there with a blank tape and a charged battery and my release forms, so that it can all make it into the final cut.